Last night I dreamed Downhill Tromp was on the Jeopardy game show and the game show host was that famous sidecolleger, the Doctor Carl Yawn.
“Weird am I?” the Tromp asked in my strainedest dream. “Last think I remember I was signing an excessive order to evict New Yorkers from New York so there’ll be more people like me.”
“You’re on TV, Mr. Precidump,” the Doctor Carl Yawn informed him. “You’re on the Jeopardy game show. Shill we begin? The Cadgecoroners are: Impertinent Events, Hokum Pokum and Pollertricks, Glummer Mogulzines, T’s and A’s and Early Mammaries, Old Skull Proverbs, and Nukes and Weepings of Mass Distraction. The Board’s yours, Mr. Precident.”
“Aren’t there any uttering contesters?”
“No. We didn’t want you to feel there was the least chants of anyone else whining.”
“That words for me. I’ll choose T’s and A’s and Early Mammaries for twenty million.”
“This woman slept under you in 1990.”
“She was easy. Who’s the Olympic Eyes Champion, Piggy Flaming? T’s and A’s and Early Mammaries for forty million.”
“This was another woman who slept under you in 1990.”
“She was easy too. Who is Princess Diner?”
“I think you mean Catheter Oxiebird, who played Princess Diner in two TV movies. We’re going on your own altered facts here, sir. That’s what you claimed you did, although she said she barely hardly knew you.”
“Same thing. I would have slept with either of them but preferred the Princess Diner had she lived. Impertinent Events for twenty.”
“This heinous act was massiveminded by the Ism excreamist Obama Been Loudy in 2001.”
“What is the 7-eleven as made my building the tallest? Impertinent Events for forty million.”
“This famous impenistrouble pleasure cruiser, as could care less about icebarges, coincided with one in 1912.”
“What is that shit sank? Hokum Pokum and Pollertricks for twenty million.”
“This sizemetific theory proposes the oncrease of Earth’s overage tamperture due to the rising levels of gasphouse greenies.”
“What is evilution, as in the ideals that manikins can change?”
“No, sir, the acting answer is Globble Warming.”
“That’s what I said. Climb-up change. Manikins can change clothings and so can people go somewhere else utter than where they live. We’re ambiflexible. It’s snowing and freezing in New York but one day we’ll live in Siberia, which nomad can do now unless he converbs into a pinkone. T’s and A’s and Glummer Mogulscenes for sixty million.”
“According to Nudeweek this is one thing the Repocalyptics and the Dimmercraps can aggrieve on.”
“What is we are livid now in sum factitious contrary suffering from mission drivel and our foundering fodders are musty turning in their grades of F-ed? Hokum Pokum and Parlor Tricks for forty.”
“This Detractor of the Folderol Barrel of Instigation helped you get erected by implying that Hillarity Cretin was a Kremlinal.”
“Who is Michael Come-on as posed as a goat between a still pigeon and an eleventh century Showgun of some fart off distant contrary fired from this one? T’s and A’s and Early Mammaries for eighty million.”
“This childish act set the young Tromp away from the fine arts and onto the path of warhole trade and impeerealism?”
“What is punch your second grade music teacher in the face? When I look at myself in second grade and myself now I’m basically the same. I’ve always loved to fight. Last year at a rally in Columbus, when no one was looking, I punched an old blind man in the face. Nukes and Weepings of Mass Distraction for twenty.”
“The bombing of this contrary in April of 2017 was justified by you under the You Us policy of what’s the point of having a Super Militerror if you don’t use it.”
“What is Surreal? Nukes and Weepings of Mass Distraction for forty.”
“This impeture ducktaper of Nerf Korea inhorrided his powder from his father Kid Jong Ill who died of sickness in 2011.”
“Who is Kid Young Young? Old Skull Proverbs for twenty.”
“This Chineasy curse has become more afropo since you took orifice.”
“What is may you live in endtrusting times? Old Skull Proverbs for sexty millions.”
“I think you skipped a question, sir.”
“No, I didn’t. Old Skull Proverbs for eighty million.”
“Okay. This famous slowgum, applying to unity, first appeared in Alexsandy Dummy’s classic The Three Mosqueterrors.”
“What is oil for one and one for oil? Old Skull Proverbs for a hundred.”
“This state of the naysham will sordidly come to pass if you stay in the Ogre Orifice.”
“What is by the time they wake up it will be too late?”
“Correct and now you’ve taken us to Final Jeopardy, Mr. Precident. Our category will be You Us Hysteria. Write down what you’re going to risk.”
“I don’t need to write down what I’m going to risk. I’m going to risk it all. The point is, you can never be too greedy. In theory I’m a very nice person but good people don’t go into globerment.”
“Okay, Mr. Precident, we’ll take you at your warps. Here’s your clue. This famous Prescient said, ‘A horse divvied up against itself can’t stand on one leg.’ You have thirty seconds.”
“Who is the Ape the Man Linkhorn as failed to unite the contrary whereas I will secede whether people like it or not?”
“Mr. Precident, that’s a mouthful but have a lot more time to think.”
“I don’t need time to think,” the Tromp said, getting hot and bottled. “That’s my final answer.
“Fine. Okay. But Mr. Precident, we’ll need you to write that answer on that little board in front of you and not show it to the audience until the music stops.”
“The music stops when I say it stops! And I won’t write my answer down because I’m right. Nothing bothers me when I’m right,” the Tromp puffed. In this dream of mind he was getting visionably upset, his head getting larger like an inflatable pillow.
“But sir, you have to write your answer down. This is Jeopardy. That’s the rules of the game, even in Russia.”
“Wrong! I’m playing the game so I make the rules. You’re trying to trick me. I don’t know who you are but I know who I am and I don’t trust anyone. I don’t trust the Chinese. I don’t trust the Japs. I don’t trust our allies…”
The Tromp’s head was swelling to five times normal size.
“I don’t trust You Us intoleragence. I don’t trust the polls. I don’t trust computers…”
“Okay, Mr. Precident, we’ll take your answer as it is.”
But it was too late. The preverbial fuse was lit and suddenly the Tromp was moving his lips but no sense of sound was coming out of him, like his tie was on too tight. His head was going hindenberg.
“Uh-oh. He’s going to pop!” I heard the Doctor Yawn say.
The next thing I knew the board and pen the Tromp was supposed to write his answer with came flying across the room followed by a mighty blow of wind and hot air and gasp like a fad man making a big stink. The Tromp had vanished into thin hairs.
All this could seem some strained but the strainedest thing of all about my dream was the sudden appeerants of the Doctor Sickman Fraud and the dyingnosis of the two esteamy doctors after the Tromp was gone.
“What’s your pragueknosis of the madmop, Sickman?” the Doctor Carl Yawn poorlightly said, deferring to his senor.
“My absurdvation is that he’s as crazy as alone and zanyphobic,” the Dr. Sickman Fraud pronounsed, “which is to say he’s insame and suffering from an ereptile dysfunksham like Godsilly gone beserk in a Hollowit B movie. He hates otters but it’s subliminal as in preconscious. The Tromp is a malignut nasticist with attackment issues, a doctormeanted poisonality disowner as characterized by antisocialism, peerannoy traits, igorcentric aggressions and utter symdumbs, such as the absence of a conscience. What’s your clownical dyingknosies, Carl?”
“I think this is not a madder of sick but a madder of howl sick,” the Doctor Carl Yawn said. “The man is clearly more outloud and addled than Addled Hotlid in his inert rage against the sublimitations of the world and his need to dumbinate and cuntrol it. The madmop is fucked up and bad shit crazy.”
“But what’s the treatment?” I asked.
“There isn’t one,” Doctor Fraud explained. “Best case scenario, the patient attempts to trump the analusters by destorying them.”
“But what about the contrary? What about the You Us of Abe? No one wants the naysham to go down the tudes with the man. Does the 25th amanment, which states a Precident can be removed from pubic orifice if certainfiably deranged, apply to Tromp?”
But I only got a half-asked answer.
“Haven’t you noticed, P. B. that the Tromp is not the only one caught up in the power of an addictative trance, that this isn’t just a dream and the contrary is in fads already running like a screamplay. Yes, the Tromp is methoughtical in his overrunning of your contrary with his power grubbing and stop gagging, but morbid to the point, just because the You Us of Assylummed is not behaving the way you expect it to, doesn’t mean it’s tude is not crazy. The Tromp is no morbid than a buy-product of Amirrorca, people seething themselves in the forum of an impatator and thanking of the Tromp as their baser emotions. He’s samply reflexing the maddisome values and the consuper pathologics of your people. Beware the naysham that needs medication and mental detectors.”
With these lost words the two esteamy doctors distapeered, leaving me only to remember so little of a very strained dream.